A day in the life of... Ponty Panda

I’m a really busy person – sorry, animal – carrying out my various duties as a club icon, a local dignitary and a national hero.

I also have a number of hobbies, including bamboo wickerwork, kung fu fighting and pole dancing. This means that I have very little time to spare but I managed to find a five minute slot to write this article, for which I hope I get paid.

Ever since I came over to this lovely country as an illegal immigrant… sorry, please delete that… as a special guest of the Chinese Embassy, I have been suffering from jet lag. It’s taken me six years up to now but I still can’t get over it, so I spend most days lying in my hammock until mid afternoon. Sleep is an important part of my life, which I think has something to do with my mother’s side of the family who were all sloth’s.

On match days of course I have to make a huge effort to get up around dinner time, finish off my take away meal from the night before and make my way down to the House of Pain just in time for kick off. I like to travel in style so I book a stretch limousine from my tree-house abode in Pont-y-panda down to Sardis Road, door to door.

It’s an honour and a pleasure to don the Pontypridd RFC kit and get out on to the pitch to meet all you fantastic supporters. There’s nothing to compare with parading up and down the touch lines, watching the Ponty boys give it their all on the pitch, and listening to the chants echoing around the ground. Being the club mascot has got to be the best job in the world!

I usually leave the ground straight after the final whistle, for two reasons – to avoid being mobbed by my adoring (female) fans and because I can’t abide the crap music being played over the tannoy. Who is that DJ in the stand? – I swear my ninety-eight year old, tone deaf uncle Chang could pick a better playlist!

My stretch limousine will be waiting to pick me up and then a quick stop off at the local Chinese take-away and then home. That reminds me, I need to put in my expenses sheet to the club for my transport and meal allowances. I’m a quality act and I don’t come cheap! I’ve been told that the Director of Finance at Ponty RFC is pretty easy with his money and not too good with his sums… I trust that the cheque will be in the post soon.

I might pop into my local hostelry in Pont-y-panda for a few glasses of rice wine before retiring once more to my hammock. The pub has been recently renamed in my honour – “The Prancing Panda” (it used to be called “The Collapsing Maul” and was a bit of a dive). Full up with beer and grub, and having taken in a late night movie on the pay-to-view channel, I will then try to catch up with some sleep and get over that jet lag, whilst dreaming of my beloved Ponty winning the League, SWALEC and British & Irish Cups…

Ponty Panda